I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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