My hand turned me down
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Alive.
So much puke
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
