From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
