You're completely useless in the revolution.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
