don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
