I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize