haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
