I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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