I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
