none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
