i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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