and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
