You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
