we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize