this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
