They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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