Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
