So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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