I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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