there's paper in my vomit.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
