guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Green mimosas i think yes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
