The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I am morally bankrupt
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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