You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
