I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
