meet me or not, i'm out of control
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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