Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
