I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize