I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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