I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize