she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
