I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
