Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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