If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
