y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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