I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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