i don't plan on having that self control this summer
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
