just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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