I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize