i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
