Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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