the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
