These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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