I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
