I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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