he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
