The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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