no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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