a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize