I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
