Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
