fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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