I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
