yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize