I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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