Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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