Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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