I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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