I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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