made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
How naked do you want me to be?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
