She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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