Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
