How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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