Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize