At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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