So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
