Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
