The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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