the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
