Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You can't special order awesome
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
