Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
