I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
